Dear Brand,
It's time to talk about the elephant in the room. We love working with you, but lately, it's become harder to meet your expectations. So, it's time to talk. Yes. That's right. THAT kind of talk. Consider this the "dear john" letter you've needed.
Let's get everything out in the open. It's time to let out the obvious. This might ruffle some feathers… but it needs to be said. Things need to change, otherwise, we're going to fire you as the client.
Let's start with the good news: we genuinely love you and love working with you when you're healthy! Not in the polite, "we value your business" way you say in a closing email — when we say it, we mean it. The best part of our job is partnering with brands who trust the process, show up prepared, and treat this like the relationship it actually is. We're showing up as partners, and we hope you do too. Those clients who treat us like partners, not order takers, get our best thinking, our fastest turnarounds, and honestly, our favorite Slack messages. We celebrate their wins like they're our own, because in every way that matters, they are.
But relationships go both ways, and every long-term partnership runs on the same three things: reasonable expectations, trust, and basic pleasantness. That's it. That's the whole ask. We're not asking for blind trust or a blank check, just the same good faith we bring to every strategy session, every late-night creative revision, every ad account we watch like it's our own money on the line.
So in the spirit of total honesty, because that's actually what makes a great agency-client relationship work, here's a completely tongue-in-cheek, mostly-loving guide to exactly how you'd manage to lose us, if you were somehow trying.
1. BECOME THE "CHATGPT STRATEGIST"
Tell us "we trust your expertise," then casually mention what ChatGPT "suggested" for your full-funnel plan. By all means, hand your marketing budget to a chatbot that's never sat in your customer's cart abandonment data, run a shopper marketing test, or watched your ad account in real time....(you might also google the South Korea Starbucks AI problem and second guess where you get your strategy from) We've actually read the analytics and we have something AI does not have... heart, emotions, care factor, partnership mindset, and real experience with real customers.
2. BECOME A "BUDGET MAGICIAN"
Ask for scroll-stopping video, platform-specific content, and a shopper marketing plan that owns the shelf then hand us a budget built for one boosted post. We can absolutely build the plan you're describing. The math on the budget you gave us, though, just isn't mathing....great creative isn't free, and neither is good strategy. Stop being cheap with your marketing by looking at it as an expense when it's an investment for growth.
3. ASK FOR A "COMMITTEE VOTE"
Forward our carefully built strategy to your cousin who "majored in marketing 20 years ago" for a second opinion. Decision fatigue is real, and every extra voice waters down a plan we built specifically around your customer's actual buying behavior — not a hallway poll....it's your brand, not a group project. And while wise counsel is often very helpful, it's also dangerous to ask an outsider with no awareness to your customer or your brand for their advice.
4. PRETEND YOU HAVE UNLIMITED FUNDS
Request a custom full-funnel build — awareness, consideration, commitment, purchase, loyalty, the whole architecture — but refuse to define a budget because you want to "see what we come up with." Then, have us change the scope 4 times until it meets your imaginary budget. We're strategists, not mind readers, and guessing wrong wastes everyone's time....please, just be honest with us. We'd love to help you meet your budget restraints as best we can!
5. DO A 48-HOUR PIVOT
Sit through an hour-long strategy meeting, sign off on the concept enthusiastically, and then email us two days later with an entirely new direction based on a TikTok you saw at midnight. Strategy beats viral hype every single time, even the ones with a great sound....the algorithm is not your marketing manager. Great brand positioning is also built on a content foundation over time, not a viral post.
6. GHOST US FOR WEEKS
Sit on scopes or creative approvals for weeks and then act surprised when the launch window closed, the trend passed, or that perfect influencer partnership booked someone else. In marketing, "someday" quietly, reliably becomes "never."...timing is the whole game. Additionally, when you switch from hot to cold, it sends a clear transactional message that you don't care about relationship.
7. BRING UP "ORGANIC REACH"
Expect a full-funnel campaign with paid media results — but zero paid media budget. Organic is a beautiful supporting player. It is not the whole cast, and it was never built to be the entire growth engine on its own....save the "we'll go viral for free" plan for someone else. Also, don't bring false expecations of success with no real expectation to invest.
8. PUT US IN THE "BIG LAUNCH ONLY" ZONE
Call us for your product launch and your holiday campaign, but "forget" we also handle the everyday shopper marketing and ecommerce work that keeps the shelf, and the Shopify store, actually converting in between the big moments....we've got range, we know how to run your playbook throughout the year, and we're better for serving your big picture mission rather than seasonal.
9. BECOME A "DIY MARKETER"
Build your own Shopify store on a whim, use AI to design your first brand guide and logo, DM a few influencers yourself, and then call us to "tie it all together" once it's already half-built and poorly executed. True ecommerce and funnel excellence is one seamless system designed on purpose, not a patchwork quilt stitched together after the fact....save the DIY for your Pinterest board.
10. BECOME A "PEER PLEASER"
Greenlight a bold, differentiated brand strategy in the room, the one that actually sets you apart, then quietly get cold feet and water it down to match whatever your competitor posted last week. Those windows to genuinely stand out close faster than you'd think....don't trade your edge for someone else's average. Disruption wins in marketing.
11. RUN THE "VANITY METRIC VICTORY LAP"
Celebrate a single viral post with zero conversions like it's a championship, then ask why sales are flat. Reach without revenue is just noise wearing a party hat. Likes and views don't pay the light bill. Real strategy that builds content for relationship with the customer gets better lifetime results than the single post.
12. PULL THE "SURPRISE STAKEHOLDER"
Introduce a brand-new decision-maker three weeks into a campaign who wants to "start fresh" on everything we already aligned on. Or, even better, bring in multiple decision makers who were not involved in the brief or the concepting round with differing opinions. Every new opinion at the finish line just moves the finish line....get everyone in the room on day one and align on ONE direction.
13. TRY THE "COMPETITOR COPY-PASTE"
Send us a screenshot of a competitor's ad and ask us to "basically do that, but for us." We can build you something that actually sounds like your brand, or we can build you a knockoff. Which one will your customers pick? The one that's unique or the one that sounds like the other guys? Pick one....your voice is the whole point.
14. ATTEMPT THE "OVERNIGHT MIRACLE"
Launch on a Tuesday and ask why you're not trending by Thursday. Full-funnel growth compounds — awareness builds consideration builds purchase builds loyalty — and compounding takes more than 48 hours, every time. Building trust, letting the algorithm do it's thing, and getting data to make educated decisions takes time.... good funnels are built with precision, not microwaved.
15. PULL THE "SILENT TREATMENT ON FEEDBACK"
Approve a campaign brief without a single note, then quietly hate the execution, and passively hold a grudge until the very end. We can fix almost anything. We cannot fix a problem you won't name....tell us the truth, we can take it. And, we're glad to make edits to just about anything! It's your money and your creative!
16. TAKE YOUR STRESS OUT ON US.
Here's the thing. Business is stressful. When is it not? But it doesn't give you any excuse to put that pressure and stress on your agency. We're here to help and make you successful, not be your punching bag. We love when clients are open and honest about their worries, but taking your frustration out on us is not ok. Let's be kind, thoughtful, direct, and honest. No need for sarcasm, passive aggressiveness, or emotional reactions.
HI, WE'RE THE REVIVAL AGENCY.
Here's the truth underneath all the jokes above: none of this is really about ChatGPT, or budgets, or your cousin's opinion. It's about trust.
The brands we do our best work for are the ones who partner with us like we're actually on the same team — because we are. They set clear expectations, they communicate kindly even when they disagree with us, and they let us do the thing they hired us to do. In return, we show up with everything we've got, every time, no exceptions.
We build full-funnel marketing team with world class results. You could try to duplicate the culture and talent we've built, but in reality, you won't come close. And we mean that in the best way. :) Our strategy, concepting, platform-specific content, shopper marketing, and rock-solid ecommerce is purpose driven and built on values for brands who are ready to actually run the plan, not just admire it in a deck.
We're not looking for perfect clients. But we are looking for best ones: kind, clear, decisive, and genuinely invested in the work. If that sounds like you, if you're easy to work with, reasonable, and ready to grow, we'd genuinely love to hear from you.
